


Not Enough

by bi-e-ne (bi3ne)



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst without a happy ending, Character Death, Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reader-Insert, Sad, Sad Ending, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 04:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14489103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi3ne/pseuds/bi-e-ne
Summary: Reader struggles with job, friendships, money and everything life brings with it. Unfortunately, Steve Rogers and Maria Hill are just the cherry on top.





	Not Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This fic wasn’t planned. I just had a shitty day some time ago and needed something to put my emotions in. I’m sorry for letting you feel this, too. 
> 
> Please note: English is not my first language

You are you.

_And you are just not enough._

You can’t remember when all these thoughts started. You were young, much younger than now, but it feels like they have always been there. Sometimes you are able to forget about them. Because, even if you never had a perfect day, you had good days and good days were when you didn’t have a thought like this at all.

That doesn’t mean you can forget about these thoughts. Not even for a minute. You know they are always there, somewhere in the back of your mind just waiting to pop up again. They are always there. No matter what.

_You are not enough._

There were so many situations in which thoughts like this came up. For example around your family. Watching your siblings’ lives - good at school, getting good jobs, having a career, meeting the love of their lives, becoming parents. Sure, they struggled too. But not like you and afterwards they always succeeded.

When your mother tells you you shouldn’t be picky with men, or you’ll end up alone. Never once does she ask you how you are.

When your father is not even able to talk to you without criticizing. ‘Have you gained weight again?’ ‘Have you lost your job again?’ ‘Aren’t you dating anymore? What about that douchebag who picked you up that one time you were visiting us, what was his name again?’

_You are not enough._

You ended up at the Stark Tower. You were still wondering how. Of course, your friend works here, she recommended you for doing research. You don’t know why Stark, or rather Maria Hill, could use someone for research. They have a great team surrounding them. But maybe that was it. A great team. Too good to do research, because they had better things to do. Of course you accepted the job. You needed one.

_You are not enough._

You still kept your flat. Not given the opportunity to live in the compound like your friend did, when she was hired. By now she was living with her fiancé in their own house. It was big, cost a lot, you suppose. You don’t know, you never ask and she never tells. You aren’t talking as much as you used to.

You are still in this tiny flat, almost an hour away from the Stark Tower. Just one room to sleep, cook and watch TV. One bathroom. Bars on the windows. And a lot of safety locks at the door.

_You are not enough._

You have little contact with others while working. There are few other researchers, mostly students excited to be in Stark Tower, hoping to get lucky and run into one of the Avengers. They never stay long. Either they don’t need the job anymore, because they graduated or there was a better job for them within the Tower. Or they get disappointed about not meeting someone interesting, decide to move on. They never stay as long as you have by now.

_You are not enough._

You never have contact with Maria Hill. There is always someone else. Someone else to show you to your work station. Another someone else to show you how to use the incredibly advanced technology you were allowed to use for your research.

You don’t even need to send your results to someone. Stark’s AI filters everything that could be useful from your results. There are times you wonder why the AI didn’t do all the research. Maybe it was considered a waste of resources.

_You are not enough._

You are startled and kind of nervous when you get a message from Maria Hill. She wants to see you in her office. Another anonymous person brings you to the office. Maybe it isn’t Maria Hills office. You are sitting in a chair, a table in front of you with two chairs on the other side. No windows. Maybe this is some sort of conference room.

You hear the door open. Suddenly your mind goes blank, a cold feeling enveloping you, rushing from your chest to your throat, along your arms and down your legs. You feel unable to move. Maria Hill is not alone. Captain America is with her.

She doesn’t even look at you as she walks straight to one of the chairs, sitting down across from you. Captain America stops behind the second chair, still standing and looking at you. There is a small smile on his lips. Still feeling frozen in place, you nevertheless manage a small smile in return.

_You are not enough._

“Ms. (Y/L/N).” You pull your eyes away from Captain America and to Maria Hill, who is now looking at you, her hands folded in front of her.

“Do you know why I called you here?” She asks, her face completely expressionless.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know, Ms. Hill.” You answer honestly.

Maria Hill looks down at her hands before her gaze comes back up to you again.

“We hired you almost a year ago as a researcher. Your job is to research facts concerning missions our teams, mostly the Avengers,“ she points to Captain America, “need to do.”

You are still looking at her, still wondering what this is all about. You give a side glance to Captain America, who is now propping his hands on the backrest of the chair and who seems to nod encouragingly in your direction. Maybe they want you to respond.

“Um, that’s right, ma’am.” You just said.

“I know you’ve still got another four weeks until you’ve been working here for a full year, but we want to give you a chance to take this time to relax a bit.” Maria Hill goes on.

“Well, that’s nice, but really not necessary. I like working here,” you assure her.

“What Maria wants to say is,” Captain America picks up the conversation, letting go of the chair and straightening up, “you’ve done a good job and have barely taken any days off. But a new job can be quite stressful, especially in the beginning. So, a few days off won’t hurt.” He smiles at you.

You feel confused. “I’m sorry, but what do you mean with a new job?”

Maria Hill and Captain America look at you, baffled. Before Maria is able to say anything, Captain America puts a hand on her shoulder but is still looking at you, when he asks: “You do have a job you can start with, after you quit here, don’t you?”

You freeze. There is that cold feeling again, rushing through your veins and now mixing with the heat rising on your face.

“I-I quit?” Your voice only a whisper, you don’t even know if the two people across from you have heard you.

You are still looking at Captain America, missing the sigh and the shaking head of Maria Hill.

“We won’t renew your contract. It’s been a year and we want to give the chance to others - new ones - to qualify themselves.” She explains, getting up from her chair and walking towards the door, opening it. She looks to Captain America. “Steve.”

He is still looking at you, hearing his name he moves towards you, giving you signs to get up and leave the room together all at once.

“After you, Ms. (Y/L/N).”

You should have known it, after all. New ones. Better ones, was what she meant.

Outside the office Maria Hill turns to you, looking you straight in the eye.

“You know, there is no reason to jump in front of a train. I wish you all the best for your future career.” With that she turns and leaves you on the floor with Captain America.

“Let me escort you outside, Ms. (Y/L/N).”

He holds up his arm, guiding you in the other direction along the corridor, to the building entrance. He is close enough that you can feel the heat radiating of his body, but he never touches you. Maybe he is being polite. Maybe he doesn’t dare.

“I’m sorry for the comment from Ms. Hill. She doesn’t mean it like that. I’m sure you will find a new job soon. Something you are more qualified for.”

Looking at him you see a sincere smile and you force yourself to smile back. There is no need not to be nice to Captain America. But no words escape your lips. There are just thoughts running through your mind.

_You are not enough._

You are still walking, though you live this far away from the Stark Tower, you weren’t able to get into a cab or the subway to get home. Walking doesn’t cost anything. And it gives you time to think. Drowning in the thoughts, the ones that are always there and you can’t run away from.

How deep can you sink? You know that you are not enough, but hearing it from Captain America is a different story. Of course you know that he didn’t say it. Not literally. But he meant it. You weren’t wasting _your_ time or _your_ skills. Your were wasting their time, not doing your job well enough. Just _nice_.

_You are not enough._

Though there were always thoughts about hurting yourself, maybe even end all this, who were you fooling, you always knew, you aren’t brave enough to end things. Maybe there will be a better day. Maybe there will be a new job, a new chance to pay your bills and maybe it will get better, maybe you can have a larger flat or buy some of those great coffees from around the corner. 

But hope is deceptive. It is devastating. Fooling you. There is no way your life will get better. You spent so many years hoping, but it never happened. It hasn’t happened today.

So, you let your mind wander. If you are brave enough, to end everything, how would you do it?

There are a lot of weapons in the Stark Tower. But fire a weapon? Definitely not brave enough.

The Stark Tower was high, very high. And it was easy to get to the top, watching the amazing view of the city. You could have jumped. But you were afraid of the height, not wanting to jump and suddenly get the feeling of not wanting to end everything. You don’t want to deal with the fear of death, at least not conscious.

A knife to cut your wrists? Using a rope to hang? Light yourself on fire? Take pills?

There are so many ways to do it, not one you are brave enough for, though.

_You are not enough._

When you finally reach your flat, it is well after midnight. You don’t know how long it took you to walk here, because you don’t know how late or early it was when you left the Tower. You are lucky you weren’t raped or shot or the victim of a mugger. Ha, _lucky_.

_You are not enough._

You think about getting into the bathtub. Water is expensive, but you aren’t supposed to sleep if you can’t get rid of the thoughts and maybe a hot bath would help you relax enough to get a good night's sleep. _‘Now you are fooling yourself’_ , you think.

Picking up a pile of clothes from your bathroom floor you hear something drop. With a confused look you pick up a small container with a label you aren’t able to read and the memory of how you got it flashes through your mind. There was one time the Avengers got back from a mission and were in the corridor where you worked. There was nothing more than a brief glance of them. Nothing more for you to see. Except for today.

When you were done with work you left the room and kicked this container by accident. You picked it up, wanting to give it back to someone at the Tower, but you couldn’t find anyone, so you took it home with you, meaning to return it another day. But you forgot it at home, so it was still here, months later.

In the container is a clear liquid and you have absolutely no idea what it could be. You smell it a few times, but it is odorless. Now you are unable to give it back, because you are so ashamed, you wouldn’t dare to set foot in the Tower again. But throwing it away? Maybe it is dangerous; you can’t put others in danger.

While you are thinking about the container and its contents, your bathtub fills with water and seeing the clear liquid in the tub you decide to put the liquid from the container into it. Whatever it is, you will find out soon.

You get undressed and sink down into the tub slowly. The bathtub is small, you need to get your knees to your chest to get in it, but who cares, at least you are lying in hot water.

You have the container still in your hands, empty now. You try to get comfortable in the bathtub, trying to fall asleep right in it, to shut down all the thoughts that are running in your mind.

A small smile creeps onto your face. Maybe the liquid is poison. At the very least it is something the Avengers lost. The lettering on the label looks like Cyrillic, at least to your eyes. Since you are too much of a coward to end your own life, what a stroke of luck for you if you are relaxing in a bath of poison right this minute. Ending your life without even knowing it. What a way to go.

You don’t know how, but the longer you stay in the tub the more relaxed you get. You become sleepy, your thoughts become quieter, the warmth of the water embracing you. Your breath becomes deeper. Your mind barely conscious. _‘Sleep, just sleep,’_ you think, _‘it will help’_. You black out.

The container falls out of your hand. It rolls across the floor, stopping with the label facing up. There is just one word written on it.

_Зарин  
(Sarin)_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> And if you have an idea of your own and just don't know how to write it, just visit me on tumblr with my pseudo _bi-e-ne_ and leave me a request. I'm happy to help if possible!  
>  The same goes for offering any help, I'm always happy to have someone to beta my stories, doesn't matter if you just want to have a look on my grammar or on the content or give me advices of any kind. You're very welcome!


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